


Desperately Seeking Rachel

by Sweet_kat_87



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, Intersexuality, Multi, Roleplay, Threesome - F/F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 08:06:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_kat_87/pseuds/Sweet_kat_87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Desperately Seeking Rachel</p><p>A/N: This story is mostly cannon up to "I Do" with the following exceptions, Rachel is still a virgin for reasons that will be explained in this verse series and Brody has yet to, and in fact will never, move into the loft. Oh and both Santana and Quinn have "HUGE" secrets that only they, Brittany, Puck and Mercedes know about. Beth does exist in this AU. Also this has NOTHING to do with the movie Desperately Seeking Susan. Just want to clear that up. WARNINGS: SMUTTY SMUTTY SMUT SMUT ahead so readers beware if that's not your thing you might be in for a scare.</p><p>As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB. Or that Goosebumps quote I just totally ripped off err…paraphrased.</p></blockquote>





	1. "I Do" - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Desperately Seeking Rachel
> 
> A/N: This story is mostly cannon up to "I Do" with the following exceptions, Rachel is still a virgin for reasons that will be explained in this verse series and Brody has yet to, and in fact will never, move into the loft. Oh and both Santana and Quinn have "HUGE" secrets that only they, Brittany, Puck and Mercedes know about. Beth does exist in this AU. Also this has NOTHING to do with the movie Desperately Seeking Susan. Just want to clear that up. WARNINGS: SMUTTY SMUTTY SMUT SMUT ahead so readers beware if that's not your thing you might be in for a scare.
> 
> As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB. Or that Goosebumps quote I just totally ripped off err…paraphrased.

"Oh my goodness! QUINN!"

"Yeah fucking take it Berry!"

The hotel bed slammed into the wall over and over as Quinn furiously rutted into the girl beneath her, the blonde knew she was getting a little too rough with the brunette but she couldn't bring herself to care. This is what she got, what she was practically begging Quinn to do to her after all those years of teasing the blonde with those ridiculously short skirts, naughty knee-highs, and comments about lacking a gag reflex. But the worst sin of all, the one thing Quinn could never truly get over, no matter how many times she tried to fuck her anger out with the girl below her, was that the girl of her dreams gave up her virginity to that fucking man-child! She always thought of Rachel as a little tease and a bit of a minx, but ultimately saw her as a pure girl who would wait for the one who deserved her, but then she started drooling over Finnpotent, then the man-whore, then St. Limpdick, and then go back to Finnept time and time again. It was clear to Quinn now how desperate this girl was, how pathetic and slutty she must be, and if she wanted to act like a little whore, then that's how Quinn would take her.

"You love this don't you? You love me absolutely wreaking this slutty little pussy! I'm surprised that you're still tight with how you've been whoring around lately. What's the matter Berry, Jolly Green not so giant? I heard that new little shit of yours looks like he's a fucking Ken doll, is he hung like one too?"

"Yes...mmmmm shit…y-you are so much b-bigger Quinn! No one fucks me like you!"

A dark smirk crosses the blondes face, "That's fucking right they don't! And you're mine now you little slut! You're never gonna let them near my pussy again are you? ARE YOU?" Quinn slammed into the supine brunette hard as she roared the last question into her face.

"FUCK! No never again Quinn, only you! I'm yours baby!"

The possessive blonde starts chanting out "Mine" as she starts thrusting erratically, as the brunette beneath her starts screaming out her orgasm for the fifth time that night, her tightly clenching pussy muscles are finally too much for Quinn to handle.

"Oh fuck here it comes baby! Mmmm fuck RACHEL!" The blonde quickly pulled and ripped the condom off before she came with a roar, shooting rope after rope of thick hot cum all over her lovers face and breasts, as the girl beneath her made a show of rubbing it in and licking her lips.

After squeezing out the last few drops of cum onto the heaving chest of the girl beneath her, Quinn finally settled back with a shudder to straddle the brunettes' stomach only to feel evidence of the other girl's arousal poking her in the back. With a throaty chuckle the blonde arched a brow and smirked down at her lover. "Already? Damn you really are insatiable aren't you?"

"Hells yea I am Q! Now put that blonde hair up in a high pony and get on your knees bitch, it's my turn and I'm in the mood to take my Britts from behind this time."

*Sigh* "Fine San but take it easy with the marking ok? That last 'love bite' to my shoulder only just stopped hurting."

"Me take it easy? I think you broke my cervix! You've got some serious jealousy and possessiveness issues Quinnie, and if you're this pissed at Berry for sleeping with her boyfriend, someone she was going to marry, then maybe it's a good thing you never grew the balls to tell her how you feel."

"That means a lot coming from the girl who took three years to tell the girl she already had and knew accepted her body how she felt only to break up with her not even a year later because she thought some random gave her the eye one day and wanted to be able to hit it without guilt."

"I know and low fucking blow Quinn, I was just trying to suggest that you get some help, so you don't lose your girl forever like I did and be stuck fucking a stand-in, but you know what? Whatever…just hand me the damn condoms…and the lube…your ass is still fair game right?"

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Surprise! Ho-kay, SO lemme 'splain wha jus happen. That was a scene between Quinn and Santana who are both desperately pining for their respective lady loves, so they turn to each other and role-play to help them fuck the pain away; but that's not all, they also happen to be inter-sexed with fully functioning lady-bits and lady-cocks. That's right a G!P series! Next installment of this verse shows what really went on in the Finchel hotel room that night.


	2. "I Do" - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: No smut in this chapter, warnings for language and Finchel, because that should be a warning in any story…I really dislike that guy. This is the same night as the previous chapter and will tell the real story behind the history of Finchel and why Rachel is still a virgin. Literal Finn-bashing ahead.
> 
> As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB.

Down the hall from where the sexcapades were going on, a certain small brunette was pacing in another hotel room in irritation as her Great White Dope of an ex tried to convince her to go along with his latest plan to secure his future.

"I don't understand why you still expect me to keep doing this for you, high school is over Finn, it's time you grew up and started owning for your actions."

The constipated man-child groaned in annoyance, before whining at the girl in front of him, "Because I said so, besides Rach, it's the only way Will won't suspect anything about me and Emma."

The little brunette rolled her eyes before throwing her hands up in exasperation, "I swear to God, you're the one who should have been held back a year not Brittany. Finn, even though I agree with that you are in fact the worst person ever! No matter what you may think, the world does not actually revolve around you; so Mr. Schue's first thoughts about Emma leaving him at the altar were not and will never be, 'Hmm…Rachel and Finn never had sex, so Emma calling off the wedding must have something to do with Finn Hudson!' God you are more narcissistic than even Jesse ever was and THAT is saying something!"

"Wait what's narsicastic mean?"

The little diva literally face-palmed at her ex's stupidity, "It's narcissistic and it means you are self-absorbed, sorry that was probably too many syllables for you, it means you only think about you! It's like you think you are the most important person in the world and that everything revolves, oops sorry still too big, that everything that happens in life has to do with you, well news flash Finn it doesn't! You were and are the least important person to have ever walked the halls of WMHS, and every time someone called you a hero I felt like ripping out my own vocal chords! You aren't a hero you, are a pathetic manipulative asshole I am done covering for your ass!"

The freakishly tall young-man leaped of the bed in fury and got into his ex-girlfriends face, "FUCK YOU RACHEL! Just because I wasn't a loser who's only friend was a dictionary doesn't mean I'm stupid! At least I was popular in high school, you were nothing! And I am the best thing that has ever happened to you!"

"No fuck you Finn Hudson you are the WORST thing that ever happened to me! I put up with all the lies you spread about me for years just so it would boost your pathetic little ego, well guess what Hudson? I'm legally an adult now so you have NOTHING to hold over my head anymore!"

"Who's gonna believe you anyway huh? No one even likes you Man Hands! I'm a fucking GOD compared to you, and there is no one who would ever believe you over me!" The enormous man-child was so busy screaming at his ex that he didn't notice the hotel door open, or the large and angry figures that had quietly entered the room, locking the door behind them.

Rachel however did. So she proceeded to sit down on the bed calmly, and addressed her ex-boyfriend in a completely relaxed voice. "They will because I have proof, you imbecile."

"Like what you ugly fucking bitch! Name one fucking thing!" At this the third parties looked as if they were about to make a move towards Finn, but were held back by an almost imperceptible shake of the diva's head.

"Oh, you would like an itemized list of everything? Okay; Number one: I have every email you ever sent saved onto three separate hard drives, Number two: I took a screen shot every text you have ever sent me and they were sent and saved to the same three separate hard drives, Number three: Jesse and Puck can and will corroborate my statements because while both are flawed they are ultimately good guys, and last but not least Number four: I am still a virgin and that can in fact be proved, you fucking waste of space. We are done Finn, I am done with you, you have nothing left to hold over my family, and if you try to start trouble now or later on I will release all the proof of your various deceptions and how you black-mailed me for three years and nobody will believe another word that leaves your mouth." The two figures behind the lumbering oaf seemed to be meeting Finn notch for notch as his anger spiked up, and were waiting for the idiot to make a wrong move.

"Then I'll just take that cherry from you right now, you stupid little bitch!" And there it was, as Finn made a move towards the still serenely seated brunette, the two hulking figures grabbed him and threw him to the ground, and the darker of the two started slamming his fists into the fallen boys face. They may not know the girl personally, but Jake wasn't gonna let any man do that to a woman, much less the son of a bitch who wanted to hurt his brother's Jewish American Princess. When Ryder went to Rachel to look her over carefully, making sure they didn't arrive too late, she just shot him her wide Rachel Berry mega watt beam.

"Hello there I don't believe we've formally met, my name is Rachel Barbra Berry, and what may I ask are the names of my two white knights?" Ryder chuckled bashfully, as Jake called out, "I'm actually a mixed race knight."

"Uh I'm Ryder Lynn, and that's Jake Puckerman."

"Well it's lovely to meet you Ryder and you too Jake, and thank you for your unexpected but extremely well timed and gallant behavior, but then again I am not surprised, as I've yet to meet a Puckerman I haven't liked. Jake? I appreciate thoroughness and perfectionism as much as the next girl but I think you can stop now, he's unconscious."

Jake couldn't help but laugh, and found himself completely charmed by the small woman that his half brother and sister spoke so highly of, and he could see why Puck, and apparently Ryder now, were completely smitten. As he got up off the floor Rachel flew to his side immediately to inspect his hands, "We need to get these washed off and then iced; can you flex both of them for me?" The tan boy complied with a hiss and a wince, "Just as I suspected we need to get you to an emergency room, I suspect you at least have factures in your second and third distal interphalangeal joints on your right hand, Finn's always been a tad hard headed."

"That's an understatement, it was like punching a brick wall, but how do you know which ones they are?"

"One of my fathers' is a doctor, so I was taught basic, and then advanced first aid along with all the medical names for different parts for the human anatomy. But that is neither here nor there, as we must get you there as soon as possible for x-rays and a stabilizing cast."

As the three of them left a bloody and bruised Finn Hudson on the hotel room floor, the two boys demanded she tell them everything and by the time they reached the hospital Rachel couldn't help but be relieved that she now had two witnesses who knew the truth about Finn, and elated to have finally have told the bastard off once and for all. She felt as if it were smooth sailing from here on out, or at least should if her sixth sense weren't currently pinging like crazy.

'Oh well, hopefully Santana coming to live with Kurt and I will at the very least balance out the drama at home, maybe she'll even be able to get Brody to back off.'

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I originally thought about having either Puck or Sam show up but felt like that would complicate things further down the road. I like Ryder and Jake as leading male characters way more than I ever did with Finn, and Jake is a bundle of adorable wrapped in a badass exterior just like Puck, that shrug about not knowing the history of Bobby and Whitney in "Guilty Pleasures" was just precious, not in a he's so dreamy kind of way, more like in an I hope to God that my future son is that freaking cute. More on what Finn was using against Rachel in future chapters, but next chapter will be the end of Quintana's night and the beginning of the end for Bram.


	3. "I Do" - Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter shows the end of the Quintana scene, so SMUT warning, the truth comes out to a few more people at the hospital, and the beginning of the end of Brittany and Sam (because I refuse to acknowledge their ship name anymore). My plan is to eventually hit each episode, because they all involve one of the four girls, and there will be a pregnancy scare but it obviously won't involve Rachel as her cherry will remain intact for a while. The endgame paring options are as follows: Fapezberry & Britty (I think they were really cute together in "Guilty Pleasures" and that Brittany brings out Kitty's redeeming qualities)
> 
>  
> 
> Some of you may wonder as to why Karley wasn't an endgame option and the answer is simple, 1. I like Jake and I think he and Marley are one of the healthier relationships that Glee has, and 2. I'm only going use or mention the new kids if needed.
> 
> As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB

The sounds of the bed slamming and squeaking under each powerful thrust, mixed with her own grunts of pleasure, occasional slaps against the firm round ass she was currently plowing away at, and the high-pitched yet breathy moans of the girl on her knees in front of her, it sounded like the sweetest symphony to the Latina.

She had been fucking the girl for what only felt like minutes, but had been closer to being just shy of an hour, when the familiar tightening sensation in her stomach let her know that she was getting close. Wrapping a hand around the bouncy high pony that had her hypnotized for the last hour, Santana pulled the blonde girl up and flush against her front, never ceasing or faltering in the power and rhythm of her thrusts. One hand stayed rooted in soft blonde hair, pulling the taller girls neck to the side as Santana set to work nipping, licking and marking all that perfect ivory skin, while the other scratched its way down perfect abs, briefly joining the pale hale that was pulling on the blondes stiff and swollen member, before continuing its journey down to the tight wet heat below. Thrusting two fingers into the girl without preamble, the Latina dropped the pretense of the role-play, instead choosing to concentrate on bringing the blonde and herself to pleasure.

"Shit Q! How are you still so fucking tight? You always feel so fucking good around my fingers and my cock babe."

The former HBIC groaned in pleasure at hearing her own name, even though she was completely in love with a certain brown-eyed diva, she couldn't deny the attraction she had to the girl behind her, or how much pleasure they gave each other and occasionally it was nice to drop the façade and just focus on one another. Especially since both were aware of how much of a long shot it was that they'd ever get the girls they were in love with, they may have had love for each other but it wasn't the same, at least not yet. Both knew they might have to move on from the girls who had captured their hearts so it was important to start enjoying these moments between them, as them.

"Oh fuck San! You're so fucking big, it's like you're ripping me in half but in the best way possible. Is that what it feels like when I take you baby?"

The girl in question grunts as she tries to concentrate on not blowing her load too early, getting confirmation that the blonde is on the same page as her in regards to who they were in that moment was almost too much for the Latina, but she bit it back to try and make the bliss they found themselves in last.

"Oh God yes Quinn! Urgh so fucking tight! You stretch me so good babe, every single time! I fucking love it!" The brunette accentuated the last few words with some particularly hard and deep thrusts that had them both spiraling closer to climax.

"OH MY GOD! I'm gonna cum baby, you're gonna make me cum San!"

Taking a pale lobe in between her teeth, Santana tugged on it gently before husking into her lovers ear, "Yeah babe, cum for me. Cum all over yourself so I can lick you clean."

That did it.

Quinn's ass and pussy began gripping and squeezing on the fingers and thick cock inside them, as rope after rope of hot cum shot out and coated her stomach and chest, which caused the girl behind her to slam into her one more time, burying her dick as deeply as possible to ride out her own orgasm.

"SANTANA!"

"Oh. My. FUCK! QUINN!"

After several minutes, the two girls finally stopped twitching and regained enough control over their bodies for Santana to gently remove her fingers and dick from the girl that was currently leaning against her in exhaustion. Santana then gently laid the completely spent blonde on the driest spot on the bed before setting to work cleaning the girl off. Her tongue worked diligently to get up every last bit of cum but she was also careful not to cause the prone girl to become too aroused, they were both exhausted and needed some serious rehydration and rest before either would be able to move much less go again. Once she accomplished her task, the Latina crawled up the bed with heavy limbs to curl up with her lover before pulling the tangled sheets over the both of them so fall into a completely sated sleep.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospital-Ryder's POV

I can't believe I'm here right now. I stopped liking Finn after I realized the guy was an egotistic douche, with a hero-complex, but I never thought he'd be the kind of guy to do that to a girl. Especially not a girl as small and delicate as Rachel, I can totally see why Finn and Puck were into her though. She may talk a lot but everything she says seems to have a point, she's totally cute and completely hot at the same time, and seems really sweet. She reminds me a lot of Marley actually, or I guess Marley is like her since Rachel came first but whatever, not the point; the point is Finn's an asshole and I really want to sneak back to that hotel room and finish the job Jake started.

But Rachel apparently does have a sixth sense, because even while she was making phone calls she is still watching me like a hawk. I have no clue who she's calling, the first three calls were really quick, but this one's taking a while and even though she's speaking softly I can tell she's agitated and trying to get the other person on the line to listen to her.

Just as I finally gather up the nerve to see what's wrong she hangs up and turns expectantly to the door of the waiting room, I don't have to wonder for long about who she was talking to as a pissed of Noah 'Puck' Puckerman strides right up to her before pulling her into a tight hug. Just a few second after him two women, plus a little girl and Marley come rushing into the room as well. The one lady I recognize as Jake's mom, and I'm guessing from the way the little girl elbows Puck so she can greet Rachel that must be his mom and little sister. Marley walks over to me and gives my arm a quick squeeze before asking me what happened, as I start to fill her in I notice Jake's mom go to the nurse station, and Puck send his mother and little sister off towards the cafeteria before pulling Rachel away to talk in private.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rachel lets the large young-man lead her away from the others, because she knows that she'll only be able to get through to him if he drops his walls allows himself to be Noah instead of Puck right now.

"You wanna explain to me why my little brother is in the hospital, and why I had to stop off at your house to grab this thing before getting our mom's and coming over here?" As Puck hands over the hard-drive the diva breathes a sigh of relief.

"Thank you so much for this Noah! Much like your brother you are quite the life saver. Jake is fine for the most part he just has severe bruising and possible fractures to his right knuckles."

Puck is about to smirk and joke about his little brother's badassness being a Puckerman trait, when part of his favorite Jew's statement set off huge alarms in his head. "What did you mean by that?

"What do you mean what did I mean. Jake will be just fine and I doubt that he'll be in a cast for more than a few months at the most."

"Don't play dumb Rach, you're way too smart to ever be able to pull it off and too pure of heart or whatever to be a good liar. What did you mean by saying that Jake is a life saver?"

The little diva sighs knowing that she can't hide it from her favorite former boyfriend forever, the boy may be a sex obsessed jerk at times, but once he has your back he has it for life, and aside from a few lewd jokes he's actually an amazingly attentive friend, almost like the brother she never had. "Okay I'll tell you but you will stay here to listen to everything before running off to do something incredibly stupid Noah Puckerman or I will sick your mother on you!"

The former hawked badass grumbles in response to the very real and scary threat his little Jew Babe just laid out before reluctantly agreeing to her terms.

"Thank you Noah. Now you know how my dad's are out of the state and country a lot for work?"

"Yeah?"

"Well naturally Finn found out while we were dating, and after asking him to not tell anyone he realized after we broke up and he pursued me for the first time that he had major leverage over me and has been blackmailing me since sophomore year."

Rage and fury grips Puck hard at the thought of his former best friend hurting the girl he considers family. "What. The. Fuck. Did. He. Make. You. Do?!"

"Noah calm down it was nothing like that; I simply played the doting girlfriend in public, while he spread lies about me to boost his own reputation."

"Lies like what?"

"That Jesse and I had sex, but that Finn popped my cherry first, that when you and I kissed junior year before Christmas break, that we actually went all the way. The cat calendars, diva fits all of it! Our whole relationship was one big lie, but I had to go along with it otherwise he would have reported them and my father's could have been arrested while I would have gone into foster care. He actually told me to kiss you so that he could break up with me to salvage his reputation after Santana called him out on sleeping with her, and so that he could pursue Quinn again; apparently she came onto him that year to test his fidelity for me, but I never asked her to do that. I should have because hell I wanted him to cheat and focus on someone else! But that would take away from his hero image everyone has of him. The only way I was able to get through high school and deal with having to display affection to him was because I treated it like an acting exercise."

The rigid young man took all this in with a very thin veneer of calm, before asking the question that would put Finn into a very early, or late depending on your perspective, grave. "Okay. I know why I want to beat the living hell out of Hudson, but how did my brother get involved in all this?"

Rachel took one look at her friend before forcing him into a chair and sitting on his lap. "I'll tell you but you have to stay seated in this chair understood?"

It turns out it was a very good thing that Rachel perched herself on her Jew Bro's lap because Puck was ready to kill her ex-boyfriend. "Noah Puckerman calm down! The police are already handling it and I asked you to get the hard-drive so that I have proof to give them when they come to take our statements. I need you to breathe and not do anything stupid because I have to make sure your brother doesn't get in trouble for attacking Finn, but to do that I have to make sure that mine, Ryder and Jake's stories all corroborate and since I pretty damned sure our version won't match Finn's, the hard drive is also proof of him being unreliable. Okay? So just calm down before you scare Sarah!"

Puck takes several deep breathes before wrapping his little Jew Babe in a tight hug, "Okay, I'm calm, now go talk to Jake and Ryder so that son of a bitch get's what's coming to him. But if he gets off I get first dibs on killing him!"

Rachel chuckles softly and wraps her arm around the heavily muscled boys' waist, "Noah Puckerman how exactly do you plan on getting away with murder?"

Puck looks down to her with an impish smirk, "Easy I'll just make a deal with the devil! Shit she'd probably want to help."

And with that the two laughingly make their way over to the rest of the group to await the arrival of the police.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotel-Brittany's POV

I know everyone thinks I'm kinda dumb some times, and maybe I am, but what I do know, I have down pat.

And right now I know that Q and San are having sexy-times again but that they aren't thinking about each other when they do it, which is flattering but also really dumb because they so totally like each other, they may not be in love with each other yet but that stuff like totally grows with time when you do love someone and are attracted to them. I wonder if Rachel would find it flattering.

That's kind of a coin toss because like, I know she's super sensitive about her looks and doesn't think anyone really loves her for her except her dads and Kurt, but Quinn loves Rachel so much it's kinda makes me sad because Q never had the courage to tell her. And now everyone thinks all this stuff that is totally not true about Rach because Finn is a huge jerk with a tiny penis that can't satisfy anyone, and all his lies made Quinn heartbroken because it totally ruined the image of who she thought Rachel is and has made her all jelly over stuff that never even happened. This really sucks because if she tries to be with her now, she'll be all Quinn Fabray HBIC and not just Quinn who's in love with Rachel and then she'll wind up hurting Rachel's feelings.

Then again Rachel might like it, because I know she's looked at me and Santana like she wants to have sexy-times with us and even though Rach is like an innocent baby unicorn, she has major sexy mojo just waiting to be released. I'm actually a little bummed that I may never get to have that with her because her lady kisses rock!

But I can't do that with her anymore because she is all the way in New York, and Q is in love with her, and Sanny wants to have sexy-times with her too, and I'm with Sam.

Sam…I really do like him, but we look even more related than him and Q and I can't believe he lied about always liking me. Because he may have always thought I was cute but he went after Q, San, and Mercedes way before me and used to look at Rachel they way he looks at Marley. It's this weird, 'Aren't I supposed to think you're cute?' look, but really the only person he ever really looked at like he wanted was Puck but I know he's all scared about it the way San was scared that people would find out about her lady cock. My point is he's a unicorn that's stuck in Narnia but I don't think I'll be able to help him out of it like I did with Rachel, Kurt, and San.

Thank goodness that marriage wasn't real over Christmas because it turns out that Sam is dumber than me, I kinda, sorta knew that, but the SAT test proves it, and that's just not what I need. I know I'm always off in the clouds, so I need someone that can put a homing beacon on me and tie a line to one of my feet so that I can be pulled back down when the clouds get all stormy and Sam just get's even more lost than I do up there. But it kinda sucks because I haven't had sexy-times for a long time and Sam won't do it before marriage, which would be like totally cool with me, if I wasn't sure he'd break that rule for Puck.

I really really miss sexy-times but I especially miss sweet lady kisses, baby Mercedes is a super amazing unicorn but she only like boys so I guess she isn't really a unicorn at all, Tina and Marley are both regular ponies which is really sad because they are both super pretty, I'm still not convinced that Sugar isn't mine and San's daughter from the future so she's out because that'd just be eww and like illegal and morally wrong…hmmm there is always Kitty.

Kitty is really pretty but she's like if Q and San from sophomore year had a baby and then let Q's dad raise her by himself. She's a really angry pressed lemon, and I think it's because someone hurt her but I'm not sure. I don't know if I can help her either but I'm gonna try to see if I can get her to be a little nicer to Marley. It's not her fault she's not a unicorn, and that her and Jake really love each other, but I have a feeling it's gonna be Faberry2.0 anyway for the rest of their time in school but without either of them ever getting together to make rainbow babies…actually I am going to try to help Kitty because I didn't try hard enough with Rachel and Q and now they and San are super sad and angry panda's all the time and I want better for Kitty and Marley. I'm gonna start watching her more closely and see how best to talk to her, Sam too because if I can make Kitty happy by getting her out of Narnia then maybe I can help Sam be happy one day.

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope that satisfied the Bramaphobes at least for the time being I would however like to clarify now that even IF Sam does have those feeling for Puck, they will not get together in this story, once I end his and Britts relationship that will be the end of him in this piece for the most part. This is the end of the episode 'I Do', and I'll reveal who has the pregnancy scare in one of the next two chapters.


	4. "Girls (and Boys) on Film" Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The girl with the pregnancy scare has been chosen and I hope no one is too upset about it, also I can't please everyone and I'm not going to try.
> 
> As always I have no rights to Glee or any of its characters those rights belong to RIB.

Worried and tense eyes stared at what had to be the slowest fucking clock in the history of the world.

'The batteries in that thing better be dead or I'll kill them myself.'

Delicate arms wrapped protectively around what was currently a still fit and trim tummy, as the nervous girl resumed pacing the floor of her bathroom. After several more rotations the girl was about to rip the clock off the wall when an obnoxious beeping noise filled the air. She dashed back to the sink to grasp the thin white piece of plastic and shakily compared it to the box it came in. As the minutes ticked by, the girl was frozen by the results she saw, right before she fell to the ground a strangled sob ripped from her throat.

'It can't be! We were so careful it's just not fair!'

'You know what this is right? It's karma.'

'What the fuck do you mean its karma? I haven't done anything-'

'Oh no? You have been whoring around, and are a terrible person. All the pain and torment you put that poor girl through, you don't deserve her. You deserve exactly what you're getting, a future gone and hopes dashed. She'll never want you now, not that you had a real chance any way.'

'You're right…I just wish it wasn't so fucking ironic.'

As the girl continued to sob on the floor, she could only get out two words, "Fucking Puckerman!"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New York-Santana's POV

Here I am, my first week in New York and I'm snowed in, in Bushwick. Berry's always in the other room on the phone, probably talking to Finnocent or her Ken doll, Kurt's not a fan but considering his latest choice of playmate he doesn't exactly scream good taste. Warblers may have been a male Berry that happened to have an almost sexual fetish level of devotion to bowties instead of argyle, but he was more tolerable than this fool.

"So where are you from Dr. Who?"

"Umm England, have you heard of Essex?"

"No. So where's Berry, playing make believe with her newest piece of silicon?"

"Rachel is in the bath."

"Thank God! Hopefully she's playing Hello Kitty with something that vibrates because she's so tightly wound these days that I'm convinced plastic man is actually hung like Ken. Not that he still wouldn't be a huge improvement on quick shot Hudson, but at least with that one she can make believe those custard filled man-boobs belong to a woman." 'Three, two, one, and we are go for a pissed off hobbit.'

"That's enough Santana! Not everyone's lives, thoughts, political ideals, and spiritual beliefs revolve around sex!"

Popping an eyebrow as I smirk down at the littlest drama queen, I can kinda see why Q's so obsessed and would constantly play poke the Frodo. She's kinda cute when she's all flushed and excited about something, look at her she's practically vibrating with energy. I bet she'd be a firecracker in bed, though you'd probably have to gag her to make it tolerable, or to keep from blowing an eardrum because I bet that bitch be loud.

"Spiritual beliefs? Are you serious midge?"

"Oh like you wouldn't be a high priestess at the temple of Aphrodite just for the orgasms alone!"

"Hmm you seem to have given this a lot of thought Babs, you sure it's not you that wants to bow down and worship my temple?"

Just as it's getting good Lady Hummel decides he just has to interject into the convo, did I interrupt when was about to erupt with Warblers? No! That was Wheezy, so why am I the one getting cock blocked? "Ladies! Let's retract the claws, we're going to be stuck together for a while so how bout be settle down and prepare to watch some cinematic entertainment. Santana did you go through the movies?"

"Yes I did, we have a choice of 'Imagine Me and You', that has to be Hummel's, 'Lost and Delirious', and my personal favorite 'But I'm a Cheerleader'."

Pause please.

Now you might be wondering why I chose those movies, and I shall gladly tell you. See me and the Ice Queen have a little deal going, I find out certain information for Q-ewpie Doll and she gets her ass into therapy. Now that's not the right reason for her to be going but I made it very clear she could not get within 83 miles of Berry without it, the dwarf might be dramatic and annoying as hell like 99.9% of the time but that doesn't mean I'm going to let Fabray's cray-cray hurt that girl. Not that I care about her or anything, it's just that watching and in some cases causing that Fat Man and Little Boy level of drama to unfold in the choir room is one thing, I could just hit the hive and watch the chaos ensue, seriously it's better that HBO you should try it sometime. But when you unleash the bees in your own home, it's a whole other story. I'm fairly certain Barbra Streisand on repeat will be involved, and if that happens I will blow up a building, I won't care which as long as Quinn is inside of it.

That may seem a little extreme but let me clue you into what happened the morning after the wedding.

************************************************** *******FLASHBACK********************************** ***********************

Holy shit! My head is throbbing, my dick feels like someone played Bop-it with it all night, my cervix feels broken and I'm pretty sure my ass is inside out. On top of that someone brought the fucking sun into the room and placed it right over my head, while a drum line is having a gayoff behind my eyes. 'Satan take me now.'

"Oh my fucking GOD! Everything hurts! Please someone turn of the fucking sun!"

"Good morning to you too sunshine." Fabray is sitting on the window sill nursing a cup of coffee, that there better be a fucking barrel of, staring at her phone and looking far too put together considering the night we both had. 'Fucking perfect Anglo Saxon DNA, she must have an immunity to hangovers with those pathetic alcoholics for parents.'

"Fuck. You. Fabray."

"Been there done that S, but if it makes you feel any better I'm pretty sure someone you hate feels worse than you this morning."

"Oh yea and who's that?"

"Hudson."

Okay that has my attention.

"I'd love to toss that prick in the Hudson. What fuckery has he gotten into now?"

"I haven't the foggiest, Cedes saw him get taken away in cuffs looking all beat to hell but she has no idea why."

Okay, the Mayan apocalypse is real, because how the fuck else would Chocolate Thunder not no everybody's business before it even happened to them?

"What the actual fuck? Is Hummel dead or in a coma or something? Am I in the twilight zone? In what alternate universe does that tater tote addict not know everything about everyone?"

"I'm not sure but she did see Rachel leaving with Finn and Puck 2.0 last night and apparently was holding Fuckerman the younger's hand very gently."

"You mean Sam 2.0 that kid is way too smart and not nearly enough of a douche to be Finn, and mini Puck is too busy following Rachel 2.0 around like a lost puppy for him to cheat on her. Besides do you honestly believe Rachel would hit it with three guys in a night, one of which that is in a relationship with someone who idolizes her? I don't care what the rumors were in high school Q; I'm telling you that girl is a total prude."

"Everyone is a prude compared to you San, and…no not really, but why else would she get into a car with them?"

This bitch may have gotten into Yale but she can be so fucking clueless sometimes, I mean she believed Puck when he said trust me for fucks sake.

"Let's look at the big picture ok? Finn got a beat down and then picked up by the po-po, Puck's little brother was having his hand held by Berry, which I'm guessing she was actually cradling because somebody's was taught first aid by their doctor father, and according to my phone Puck and Bulimia babe left shortly thereafter with Puck freaking the hell out. To me it sounds like Hudson did something to cause a beat down by Puck's little bro, Rachel took him and dyslexia boy to the hospital which means that gelatinous prick did something to her to warrant the beating, and bad enough that the cops took him in before he got medical treatment. Doesn't sound like something to get all jelly over to me."

"Ugh! You're right. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Seeing that she's about to spiral into a nauseating display of emo-ness, I attempt to lighten the mood they way I do best, "You means besides the fact that you have yet to hop on this dick?" I reply with a cheeky grin.

The eyebrow arch and blank stare let me know that I have failed and that there is no avoiding this shit.

*SIGH*

"Okay Fabray, I'm gonna level with you. You are in love with Rachel, but you feel unworthy of Rachel and you hate anything that makes you feel weak and inadequate so you hate Rachel, but you can't actually hate Rachel because of how much you love her so that makes you feel like a failure, and you hate feeling like a failure so you hate Rachel, which makes you hate yourself even more because what kind of monster hates the person they love, so you push her away, but she keeps on trying to reach you no matter how hard you push which makes you feel like a failure, which makes you feel weak, worthless, and inadequate so the whole vicious psychotic cycle starts all over again and causes you to be majorly bi-polar with the midget. You and I both know there's no way even half of that shit about her is true because it came from Finnept's mouth, but you still want to believe it so badly just because it makes Rachel imperfect in your eyes and that makes not being with her just bearable enough to not kill yourself. You are fifty one flavors of fucked up and you seriously need to get professional help, because this anger banging your doing with me is fun and all but one day it's not gonna be enough and you're going to give in to temptation and hurt that girl in a way she won't recover from, and you will never forgive yourself; and as much as we fight and fuck with each other I love you in my own fucked up way and I don't want that to happen to you, either of you so to make sure that doesn't happen you are banned from the state of New York. At least until you've lost most of the cray-cray, you got me bitch?"

"I got you, but I don't even know if she likes women S and even if she is that doesn't mean she'd be into me so there's really no ne-"

"See that's what I meant about how you could hurt her Q because the way you're going, I'm seriously fucking freaked out that all it would take was one drunken night where you weren't in total control of yourself for you decide to that maybe you should just take what you want even if she didn't want to give it. Now I don't really think you'd be capable of that but that's worst case scenario bitch and you know I'm a cynical fuck when it comes to people."

Quinn just gapes at me in shock and hurt before she really thinks about what I said, and considering the flashes of disgust and grief passing over her face, I know I got through to her. 'Thank you God.'

"I would have never thought I'd be capable of hurting her like that Santana, but last night was honestly kinda of scary for me, I've wanted to fuck her in a fit of anger and jealousy before but that…I was trying to make it hurt San, I wanted to punish her for being with Finn, and you're right I don't really believe all that shit but I don't know and the not knowing and the fear she makes me feel is making me turn into Russell and I can't be him San, I just can't."

Shit and now she's crying. I rush over to comfort her not even caring if the whole world outside can see my junk. I pull her into my arms; soothingly rubbing up and down her back trying to stop my beautiful friend from breaking down. "Shhh mi hermosa, it will be okay, you're gonna go to therapy and you're gonna get better and then you're gonna get your girl, I'll even help!"

"No San, she'll never want me. How could she? I've treated her so badly for years, and for all the reasons you said. Because I love her. You're right I'm a monster-"

"And who could ever learn to love a beast."

"Oh fuck you Santana!"

"Been there, done that right back at ya baby cakes. But seriously though, if you're worried about that girl wanting you don't, she does, has for years. It's kinda why she kept trying to reach you all those times you needed someone to pull you back from the brink and why she was the only one who could. I on the other hand am the one who can pull your head out of your ass. Face it Fabray you're stuck with us bitches for life."

"Alright San, I'll do it, but I need you to do me a favor or else there's no point in me going to therapy and I'll just avoid her for the rest of our lives. Will you please find out if there is any actual hope for me? I mean I doubt there is because how could she ever love someone as fucked up as me but I need to know. That's been the hardest part of the last year not knowing."

"Quinn, I'll get you verbal confirmation that she's gay but I'm not playing matchmaker for you too, I'm gonna be living with her and Hummel for a while so I really don't need to have that blow up in my face. And really Q, her favorite fairy tale is 'Beauty and the Beast' and her favorite romantic musical is 'Phantom of the Opera', I think you gots a chance oh dark and broody one."

************************************************** *******FLASHBACK********************************** ***********************

Which brings us back to now, I have a theory that I'm working on and that is the Hobbit is a miniature unicorn trapped in Narnia…look you try being best friends with Britts and not have her rub off on you…heh wanky. Quinn doesn't believe me and there are only two ways I know of to pull a bitch out of the closet, and since Q vetoed the fun way…okay they are both fun but only one of them makes my not so Lil' Santi happy, I'm left with option 'B', placing a laser beam of unwanted focus and attention on the person in question until they spill there guts like that piñata at my little cousins' last birthday, screw using a bat, they're called razor blades bitches, get some. Anyway Hobbs is a lady lover and it's Fabray that she wants to have play in her berry patch, and the absolutely delicious look of panic on her face proves it. 'Check.'

"N-no, I don't want to watch any of those."

"Aww really Rachel, not even 'Lost and Delirious? Because you always cry at the scene where Piper Perabo jumps because she's so heartbroken and lost that it makes her delirious."

Thank you Little Lord Fauntleroy! I could kiss you right now that makes it 'mate' bitches! Never doubt the Mexican third eye, that plus being a lesbian and a stone cold bitch means I'm never wrong about closet cases.

"I'm not in the mood."

'I bet Q could get you in the mood.'

"Well fear not because I have the perfect New York movie…Moulin Rouge bitches! We love those dancing ho's."

"Seriously?"

Aaaaaaand now I wants to cut you Hummel, Fabray owes me so fucking big for this shit.

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: More to come on Santana acclimating to the loft life in New York and her finally meeting Brody. Next chapter will focus more on life in Lima for Brittany and Kitty, also I will end the lesbian horror story that is Bram. Damn it! I said I wasn't going to use their ship name again. Fuck. 
> 
> OH OH OH! I had a major brain wave after watching Wonder-ful! Pezberry could happen in head cannon! Now here me out on this, we have Rachel asking to play the Blair to Santana's Jo comment after Santana made it clear she thought they were a couple and should have been Facts of Life endgame (I know Rachel wasn't in the apartment at the time but whatevs, don't rain my pride parade bitch!), with Santana softly, and shyly smiling in agreement to it. If that isn't enough I direct you to the following head cannon proof.
> 
> Rachel's story line tends to copy Quinn's story line at least romantically speaking, so far they have both dated Finn and Puck, and both have cheated on Finn with Puck, Rachel may never have dated Sam, and Quinn never dated Jesse but that's irrelevant because it doesn't support my theory, although I guess I could label those as moments when they dated people who they look like they could be related to/it's like they are dating the male versions of themselves. Both have now undergone extreme makeovers, Quinn as a Punk and Rachel as Lea Michele, (which I'm kinda bummed about because I miss the argyle) both have had pregnancy scares while having romantic ties to Finn and man-whores (it just happened to be a literal man-whore in Rachel's case and thankfully she wasn't pregnant), Quinn has dated her professor and there was a slightly steamy moment in Wonder-ful between Rachel and Cassandra July, oh but wait Rachel said older guys not Ms. July, to that I say the Professor wasn't the first older guy Quinn dated. Forty year old skateboarder anyone? Boom! Granted Rachel may have to get a tattoo first, but hopefully it will be a gold star because they are her thing and a metaphor…HINT HINT! So anyway if we go by the history of the show, which isn't absolute proof I admit, Pezberry stands a legitimate chance. And I'd like to think Santana's smile about the older guy comment was because in her head was the following inner monologue, 'Sweet Rachel is gonna date an older guy, then hit it with a professor, and then it's my turn! Pezberry is SO on bitches!'
> 
> Again that's just my theory, but a girl can dream right? Especially because that may lead to Faberry, or at least another epic cat fight next season which, lez be honest, is basically the same thing with those two, except they may finally sexy attack each other if that happens. I feel like Kurt in Saturday Night Glee-ver, OhmyGodIwantthatcannon
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed this installment and that some of you are feeling a smidge more forgiving towards Quinn and Santana. I'm not really expecting it because those of you who are hating on them seem pretty hardcore about it but one can only dream.


End file.
